cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
