he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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