The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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