My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
