She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
