North Korea, Best Korea!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
