there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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