Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
