I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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