I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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