Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
