her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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