We're facebook friends in real life
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
