Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
