So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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