I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
