they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
