you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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