So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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