hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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