I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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