you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
