halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bit a glass in half.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I currently don't understand fingers.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
