I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Too much gin, very little bucket
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
