wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
