Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
