And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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