I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
