You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
