Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
