I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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