he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
