I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
