I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
