Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
