I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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