God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
