what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
But break dance skills will only take you so far
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
