That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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