I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Shame is for Republicans.
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