i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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