One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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