isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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