Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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