I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
