She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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