I think my fart just growled at me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
