My first STD was from a foam party
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
