then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
