Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
bring money and cleavage
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
