someone threw a dead crab at me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
